Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!
9:37 am
Sat December 22, 2012

Panel Round Two

Transcript

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with Bobcat Goldthwait, Roxanne Roberts and Brian Babylon. And, here again is your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Thank you, Carl.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thanks everybody. In just a minute, Carl gets into costume to play one of the three Rhymesmen in this year's Limerick Pageant. Sometimes I don't know what I'm saying.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It's the Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-Wait-Wait. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news.

Bobcat, happy to report that there have been arrests made in WAIT WAIT'S Official 2012 Crime of the Year. Canadian authorities have now arrested four conspirators and accused them of stealing more than $18 million of what?

BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT: Molsons.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: No, although it's a liquid precious to Canadians.

GOLDTHWAIT: A precious liquid.

SAGAL: A precious liquid.

GOLDTHWAIT: Precious to Canadians.

SAGAL: Yes. And to any American who likes his pancakes.

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh, Alan Thicke.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: That's funny and I have no idea what you meant.

GOLDTHWAIT: Of course, it's syrup.

ROXANNE ROBERTS: What kind?

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh, well maple syrup.

SAGAL: Maple syrup. Yes, maple syrup.

GOLDTHWAIT: Canadian, what kind is it? Is it moose syrup?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The six million pounds of maple syrup disappeared from a warehouse over the course of almost a year. The thieves would have got away with it too if the Canadian spy satellite hadn't seen those 200 square mile pancakes from space.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The theft went unnoticed for a long time because the thieves would somehow take the syrup and leave the empty barrels behind. That's how they got away with it for so long.

How do you get six million pounds of maple syrup out of a warehouse without barrels? Workers say now they think about it, they did see a lot of guys walking out of the warehouse with bulging cheeks who wouldn't say hello when you talked to them.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Like, hey, you work here? Mmm-hmm.

(LAUGHTER)

BRIAN BABYLON: Canadians would do a syrup heist.

SAGAL: They would.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: That doesn't even sound cool. How do you get put in jail, like what are you in for? I did this; I did that. What about you? Syrup heist.

SAGAL: Everybody backs away from you on the bench, man.

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah, you command a lot of respect.

SAGAL: Yeah.

GOLDTHWAIT: Back off, I'm in here for condiment theft.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: When the financial collapse comes, we are going to be bartering in syrup.

SAGAL: It's true. It goes further. You say, well why does this warehouse have all this syrup? It is the Strategic Syrup Reserve. This is true. Basically, French Canada is like the OPEC of maple syrup. They control the world's supply and they want to keep a quota on it, the amount that's sold, so they put the extra into this warehouse.

BABYLON: They're like the Saudis of syrup.

SAGAL: They're the Saudis of syrup.

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: This is why we have to come up with electronic pancakes. Pancakes that run on their own.

SAGAL: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bobcat, what do turtles, a steak, 2 puppies, a bottle of vodka, 16 Cuban bullfinches, several monkeys, a hockey puck, an iPad, a bunch of snakes, lots and lots of drugs, and a meal consisting of a Cuban sandwich, a strawberry parfait, and a 12 ounce beer have in common?

GOLDTHWAIT: What was found in the lower tract of an elephant.

SAGAL: No. It turns out all these people weren't happy to see you.

ROBERTS: It's sort of the running theme of the whole show, of Carl.

GOLDTHWAIT: A surprise party.

SAGAL: No. That would be a fine surprise party, those things.

GOLDTHWAIT: These people weren't happy to see you.

SAGAL: You know the old joke, is that a - or are you happy to see me?

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh.

SAGAL: Roxanne, do you know this one?

ROBERTS: It has to be pants.

SAGAL: Down your pants.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Those are all things that people got caught stuffing down their pants in 2012.

GOLDTHWAIT: Oh my.

BABYLON: Do the list one more time, because that was crazy.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, here we go, one more time.

GOLDTHWAIT: No, no, no.

SAGAL: This is a partial list: turtles, a steak, 2 puppies, a bottle of vodka, 16 Cuban bullfinches, several monkeys, a hockey puck, an iPad, a bunch of snakes, lots of drugs, and a Cuban sandwich, a strawberry parfait, and a 12 ounce beer.

BABYLON: OK, the 16 what?

SAGAL: Cuban bullfinches.

BABYLON: What is that?

ROBERTS: Birds.

SAGAL: It's a bird. They were smuggling birds.

BABYLON: So all 16, all in the pants?

(LAUGHTER)

GOLDTHWAIT: Yeah. It's a new version of the "12 Days of Christmas."

SAGAL: It really is.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And a partridge in my pants.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Bird finches, all right.

ROBERTS: Puppies could be kind of cute.

SAGAL: Yeah, that would be.

GOLDTHWAIT: Puppies in your pants.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: When you think about the last thing in the list, it's crazy. It's like it's really a special sort of thief who sneaks the sandwich and the beer into his pants and thinks, you know what...

BABYLON: I need a parfait.

SAGAL: ...I want dessert, too.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I need a parfait, baby.

GOLDTHWAIT: He's just bold.

SAGAL: Because the Cuban bullfinches might get hungry. They're down there, too.

GOLDTHWAIT: Here's why I got thrown off. This isn't one guy's pants.

SAGAL: No, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Different guys, different guys.

GOLDTHWAIT: All right.

BABYLON: I'm sorry. I don't to derail the show.

SAGAL: All right.

BABYLON: But you said parfait, but I'm very upset at Kentucky Fried Chicken or KFC, they discontinued the strawberry parfait dessert across the system.

SAGAL: You're upset about that.

BABYLON: Very upset.

ROBERTS: Is this recent?

BABYLON: This is recent. I've gone to KFC after KFC. They don't carry them anymore.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: I've gotten in multiple arguments with management about this.

SAGAL: Really?

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Yeah. It was cost effective. It was delicious. And I'm just mad.

(LAUGHTER)

ROBERTS: Were people smuggling the parfaits out of KFC?

BABYLON: If it's any parfait that should have been smuggled, it should be a KFC strawberry parfait.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: That is all.

SAGAL: All right.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

BABYLON: Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.